Nice to Meet You. Let’s Get Puzzling!
Hello there! I’m so. incredibly. excited. to be your Ambassador! It is an honor; and following in the footsteps of Henry Kissinger, Marie Yovanovitch, and all the fine members of the U.S. Foreign Service, I plan to do my best to represent the capable, diverse, and innovative people of this country in my goings on across the world with dignity and grace. Overflowing buckets of grace.
I am not sure how qualified I am to be an Ambassador, but that just means that I’ll need to work extra hard to best represent you, fellow human being, in our diplomatic relations with the other countries. Of course, I don’t speak any languages besides this one I’m writing to you in now, so I will be limited in which countries I can serve. And that’s on me, folks. I only took 6 years of Spanish back in school, and I don’t remember a lick of it, except the phrases, “Yo no se,” and “Quiero descansar en una hamaca,” as those seemed the most useful to hold on to. But I’m committed to learning, and I have downloaded Duo Lingo so that you will know I’m serious.
That said, I am working extra hard to gear up for my Ambassadorship.(1) For starters, I’ve been demanding for the past week that my family call our dwelling “The Ambassador’s Residence.”(2)
I figure when I arrive in my new country,(3) there will be some sort of spectacle, a parade or at least one of those sedan chairs that is carried by several people. I’m guessing something like this Buffalo-made affair, which is very fitting because it looks like every birthday party(4) I’ve ever thrown.
Eiffel Tower Balloons | Blanc | 500 Pieces
I’m also assuming there will be State Dinners. Lots of State Dinners.(5) In places that look like this caught-in-mid-action-but-where-are-the-people Springbok.
Places that are practically littered with paintings on the ceilings; with instruments, books, and globes covering every inch of walking space; and where tea and booze are served at the same time of day!
As your Ambassador,(6) I can be counted on to dress the part. I’m getting a new wardrobe for all those State Dinners. Something like this turquoise number by SunsOut, I think. Stately, dramatic, and with animal sheddings covering the important bits.
Or this strapless floral gown, also by SunsOut. Golden, flowy, and makes me float on the moon.(7)
I’ve been imagining what will happen when I’m called on to negotiate a treaty,(8) which, again, I’m barely qualified for. I admit that my family beats me in every bluffing game we’ve ever played, and I suspect it’s related to that weird face I make to try to suppress a smile when I have a good hand. But I’m good at signing my name(9) and smiling when I don’t have anything important to hide.
And then there’s the spying…I have heard the Ambassador’s(10) Residence could possibly make a good place to hide an asset, as they call it. WILL THERE BE SPYING? I DON’T KNOW AND I’M FREAKING OUT A LITTLE BIT BECAUSE WHAT IF THERE’S SPYING!(11) (I’m also not entirely sure I’m qualified for that line of work, but I own many leCarre novels (through marriage), which I often see stacked around the Ambassador’s(12) Residence, and I watched the Michael Caine version of The Quite(13) American.)
I must confess, when the State Department(14) contacted me, I was humbled and a little bit intimidated by the task of being an Ambassador.(15) I have literally no qualifications for this, other than a childlike exuberance to try something new coupled with no sense of shame, which I’m assuming will make up for the lack of any real skill (unless romantic comedies have been lying to me).(16)
But that said…game ON. Let’s make the world a better place!
- Robin D.
(1) So I’ve been informed that I’m not actually an Ambassador, at least not in the way I thought I was.
(2) One family member has asked me to “stop this right now or we’re getting a divorce this is the last time I’m going to say it”, and another keeps saying just, “Bruuuh.”
(3) I guess since I’m not THAT kind of Ambassador, it’s beginning to look like the only travel involves rolling out of my bed and landing on my desk chair.
(4) that moment of trying to get into the car while leaving the party store before the birthday party
(5) There are no State Dinners.
(6) It sounds like I will actually be a PUZZLE Ambassador.
(7) Apparently, I won’t need so much as new fuzzypants for this job, even though my old fuzzypants have holes in them.
(8) Minor clarification: I guess I’m just supposed to just stick to writing about…um…puzzles…
(9) They hid all the pens from me after last time.
(10) Puzzle Ambassador’s
(11) There is no spying. Just puzzling.
(12) Puzzle Ambassador’s
(15) a Puzzle Ambassador
(16) I did write a Nancy Drew-inspired short mystery in elementary school that was published in a printed collection of kid-written stories. Later, as an adult, I wrote exactly one Christmas letter. In between those two events, I ordered a vinyl sticker over the internet that says, “Ministry of Magic” and stuck it on the inside of my toilet lid. Hey, I AM qualified for this!