Santa’s Innermost Thoughts You Didn’t Realize You Wanted to Know
In just a few short days (indeed the shortest of the whole year), Santa will be preparing to make his rounds. This year, I was fortunate enough to be invited to record a smattering of Santas’ inner (and outer) monologues.
So, after a description of each Santa’s situation, we’ll get a direct thought or quote from that particular bearded gent himself. Care to listen in with me?
No one procrastinates like this Santa, doing his famous Christmas list doublecheck on Christmas Eve night, while standing in the living room of hopeful children, in front of the roaring fire, having already filled three stockings and delivered several shiny presents.
“I like to check my list and then check it a second time upside down while not looking at it –– just to be sure.”
In a nearby scene, we have this Santa delivering a cool surprise to one family along with the Christmas gifts under the tree. He just has a few final words for the family dog.
“Shh. It’s a bit toasty, what with the candles and quilt and middle-of-the-night holiday cheer. I thought I’d just crack a window. They’ll thank me in the morning.”
Then there’s this bit of mayhem. That’s what it’s really like at the North Pole in Santa’s big room, which serves as a hybrid construction zone/testing grounds/gift wrapping station a quarter of the year and a gymnasium the rest of the time.
“Every time I want to retreat to my red velour throne with a warm drink and some quiet reading material, she invites her weird little friends with the pointy toes over and feeds them cookies.”
This Santa is traveling in style on the outside of this locomotive (a toy bear is driving and riding in the single seat INSIDE it, of course). There are no cars behind to help carry the millions of toys he’ll need for all the good little girls and boys and all he has is a heap of bears about to fall off the top, but with the brisk wind in his beard and icy snow pellets hitting his dentures, he’s in holiday heaven anyway.
When the kids tell him, “Santa, I’d like a Musical Brick By Brick set for myself, a Sally Sails Dream Armada for my brother, and for my mother to not have to work so much so she can play with us more,” he replies: “If by ‘Musical Brick By Brick set’ you mean ‘bear’ and by ‘Sally Sails Dream Armada’ you mean ‘bear’ and ‘mother not work so much’ you mean ‘bear’, then yes, dear little one, you may have everything you wished for!”
Let’s move on to this idyllic scene. I think we can all assume that the kitten who just stepped out of the litterbox by way of his paws is the same kitten who is charmingly batting the candy canes in Santa’s hot cocoa. But don’t worry, this Santa won’t notice because he’s too distracted dressing the kittens for the holiday and stuffing them in stockings (you know how cats love that sort of thing, especially when it’s someone else’s idea).
“You’ll love your hats, my sweet loveflooffs, my beautiful fur daisies. Yes, they are already sliding off and they will drag on the floor and trip you when you walk. But if you don’t wear them, I’ll stuff you in a sock and hang that sock by a nail over the fire. [Switches over to baby talk:] Yes, I will…I will…Who’s a good mini-me?”
And finally, we find this Santa, delightfully lost in a colorful melange of puzzle-themed mashups. He’s accessorizing in style while trying to figure out how he got here.
“Does anyone know where I am? I think I’m in South Dakota, or perhaps the Christmas singularity, but I’m only about 30% sure. The other 70% of me is confundled. I can’t even tell whether I’m indoors or outdoors. Wait. Am I the one in the cage? Guys? Guys…?”
And since I also find myself more lost now than when I started writing, that wraps up our Santa monologue (and one desperate duologue – there’s got to be a better word for that). Thanks for joining me. Happy holidays to you and yours, dear reader! (And, of course, haaaaappy puzzling!)
Robin D.
Enjoyable reading. Thanks!
Your blogs always make me laugh out loud - brilliant!
